Monday, May 31, 2010
My feelings are so numb that my tears are stuck.
My heart is breaking, I want a job.
I am very sure i am capable to carry out the job that requires me to do.
But the interview always pulls me away from the job.
I am so depressed right now that i want to do is to bury myself under a blanket and do some self-pitying.
Everybody is getting a job except me, even those who did worse than me in studies.
Charisma is all that matters.
All i do i get fucking screwed whenever i face an interviewer.
Sometimes i wish i can go down on my knees and beg them.
"Please give me the job. I know i can do it."
But that will only in my dreams.
The past offer still haunts me.
I should have taken up that job. Everything about it is fine.
I could have worked with my friend. Near my house. Brainless job. And i got it so easily, through a phone interview. I could have been so comfortable there.
But my passion to work as an engineer caused me to reject that offer.
Do i regret it now? Yes. I do. Badly.
So what do i do now?
Labels: My heart is numb.
posted @ 5/31/2010 08:28:00 PM
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Friday, May 28, 2010
It has been a really long time since i decided to sit down and write my blog. Usually when i decide to write, it means i am feeling emotional.
I am currently at the phase in my life where everything is a blur. I do not have a job and i have an interest in somebody who doesn't like me. As much as i desperately hope and want to get a job that i love, the hope seems rather dim right now. I screwed up my last interview. The interview that i told myself to be calm and cool for. The interview is where i can impress the interviewers why i can get the job. But i fucked up. My mind is in a whirl right now, and i feel that i have lost all hope in getting a job. I wish i can get a job that doesn't require brains right now because i do not think i have the energy to go for more interviews or test.
The guy that i like as well, is slowly breaking my heart. It pains me to see the guy i like being oblivious to my feelings for him. And even so, it cannot happen as there are principals involved. I hate this kind of complicated shit. Even so, i doubt he has the same feelings that i have for him. All i can do is pray that i will get over him as fast as possible so that i can move on.
I am not sure what to do in my life right now. I pray to God that he will help me through this. I hope he does it soon.
Labels: My heartaches.
posted @ 5/28/2010 01:28:00 AM
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Wednesday, October 08, 2008
I thought my birthday would be better than this.
I didn't know it is going to end up like this.
A tearful and sulky day.
Every year, my birthday will end up like this.
Three consecutive years in a row.
How did it end up like this?
Would i be surrounded by friends who are going to celebrate my birthday for the sake of it?
I dreaded my birthday this time round, cause of my gut feeling that it will be ending up bad, and indeed it did.
I remembered that i did tell D i wanted the car.
But i don't understand why it ended up with N. I guess he forgot, or he didn't hear it.
I just wanted to go out for a nice lunch, i don't need alot of time. Just Lunch and we could come back to do some work. I am not even asking for a fanciful dinner that you planned in the end.
I guess i expect too much. I should really lower my expectations cause it hurts to be that disappointed. And yes, i like ducks but i am already 22. I thought you would get me something more practical. And yes, i prefer practical things. The present you presented tore my heart though i had to fake a smile and say i love it. Its a piggy duck that sings when you put coins in! And had to keep pretending that i love it.
I am unreasonable i know. I should know that i am lucky to get a present. But it tears my heart to know how much effort my friends make to get something for me.
Labels: My birthday
posted @ 10/08/2008 12:10:00 PM
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Wednesday, July 30, 2008
I keep asking myself since last night,
"Why seek help from someone you dont respect?"
I can't seem to link it together.
Logically, if you dont respect someone, you would try not to have any contact with that particular person or even ask help from him/her. Why on earth would you not only borrow his car and make him inconvenient for your own sake? Who are you to do that? Gosh, is that what is called hypocrite or something like that? Because this is something i will never do. Or someone worth respect would ever do. I am just too appalled to say anything. Will someone just make me understand that is that even possible for someone to do it?
Labels: Why seek help from someone you dont respect?
posted @ 7/30/2008 11:42:00 PM
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Friday, November 09, 2007
这街上太拥挤 太多人有秘密
玻璃上有雾气在被隐藏起过去
你脸上的情绪 在还原那场雨
这巷弄太过弯曲走不回故事里
这日子不再绿 又斑驳了几句
剩下搬空回忆的我在大房子里
电影院的座椅 隔遥远的距离
感情没有对手戏你跟自己下棋
还来不及仔仔细细写下你的关於
描述我如何爱你 你却微笑的离我而去
＃这感觉 已经不对 我努力在挽回
一些些 应该体贴的感觉 我没给
你嘟嘴 许的愿望很卑微 在妥协
是我忽略 你不过要人陪
＊这感觉 已经不对 我最後才了解
一页页 不忍翻阅的情节 你好累
你默背 为我掉过几次泪 多憔悴
而我心碎你受罪 你的美 我不配
周杰伦 - 我不配
Labels: 周杰伦 - 我不配
posted @ 11/09/2007 09:32:00 PM
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Thursday, November 01, 2007
bored.
Finally, exams are over.
which is good.
But i am so lost.
The same fucking feeling i had when you said good bye.
I really hate that.
And now i've nothing to do.
waiting for mel to finish exams.
Meanwhile, i am feel tortured.
Trying to get you out of my life.
It pains me to know that you are no longer in my life.
I longed for exams to over so i can finally spend more time with you.
But everything happened even right before the exams.
I miss hugging you to sleep. I really longed to do that with you.
But i guess i will never have the chance anymore.
You are a liar. And it breaks my heart to know you are one.
Everybody warned me but i didn't listen.
I fell so deep. Now its over.
Fuck.
posted @ 11/01/2007 09:44:00 PM
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Friday, October 19, 2007
Up to now,
I still can't study
But i have to.
I am tired,
from the crying.
Crying makes you sleepy.
But i simply can't sleep.
The email in the in box is there.
I am so tempted to read it again.
Read it many times. But briefly.
Cause the words go blurry half way through.
I don't want to read it.
But i want it to remind me about the reality that just happened.
He really loves me?
Or I hope so. I keep telling myself that.
I don't know if there are lies or truth in his words.
What does it matter?
In the end, he obviously chooses her.
he has to anyway.
I can't be with him either.
It breaks my heart to know that there might be a possibility that i love him more than Him back home.
I feel happy yet unhappy being with him.
Maybe cause i cannot accept the fact that he has somebody.
I've got somebody waiting for me back home too.
I can't break His heart either.
He gives me everything i need.
but i feel like i am losing feelings for Him.
But at least I know He really loves me a lot.
By the way,
Please don't ever tell me forever and always.
It breaks my heart.
Labels: Forever and Always
posted @ 10/19/2007 11:40:00 PM
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The tears slowly fell as it sank in.
Even before i read the email.
I don't like crying in public,
but no matter how hard i tried,
tears just came down.
I tried to smile at van.
To pretend nothing happened.
But it was obvious enough.
As i read the email,
i really know its best for both.
But the tears just fell.
I am tired of crying too.
I've never cried that much for anybody except for kang wei.
And its been a long time since i cried for anybody.
Well, its over.
All i have to do is to keep telling myself that exams are here and i have to study.
I hope my determination will overwhelm my broken heart instead.
My determination to study today is gone.
The words are all blurry and nothing is going in.
I just stared blankly at the pages of propulsion.
Stress was sinking into me. But this is sinking deeper.
Its a bad time for this to happen but i know i will make it through.
I know tomorrow is going to be worse.
I am not going to sleep.
I don't want to wake up feeling empty like now.
I feel lost. For the longest time.
I hate the feeling.
Please go away. I really need the strength now.
Labels: Please Go Away.
posted @ 10/19/2007 04:17:00 PM
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Wednesday, October 03, 2007
Driving test tmr.
yet i cant sleep.
i've got the stupid sad feeling.
maybe there are too much stuff i am so upset about
and the stress about tmr.
i feel like crying.
can i don't take the test tmr.
i am really scared.
i dont want to fail.
posted @ 10/03/2007 11:03:00 PM
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Tuesday, September 25, 2007
I cried myself to sleep last night.
Over you. Your actions.
I think i am too sensitive.
Or maybe we just think differently.
This is not what i wanted.
I thought i meant more.
Now i know i don't.
But at least i understand why its happening to me.
Labels: Who am i to you?
posted @ 9/25/2007 10:30:00 PM
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